don’t stop at conflict resolution; make the collaboration work
When you’re in a high-performing team—whether in tech, sports, or business—handling conflict is not enough. You have to make the collaboration work. This isn't some little skill. If you can’t make a collaboration work, you’re not going anywhere. What are the alternatives? You could use force or simply comply with people’s requests. So, the only options are: to collaborate, tyrannize, or be enslaved.
I’ve put together this document to effectively address conflict and to help both parties reach a place where they’re genuinely thrilled to work together.
A bit of personal context: I was conflict-averse growing up. But then I came across this quote: “Conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.” It changed the way I view conflict. Now, I run toward it with an open mind. Yes, it’s painful and awkward to handle conflict, but you’ll improve at it every time you voluntarily face it head-on.
A few different conflict-points in the relationship:
1/ Immune system response: When someone new joins the team, the current “immune system” might reject the person.
2/ Built-up resentment: After working together for some time, unresolved issues can accumulate, and collaboration becomes strained.
3/ Change in dynamics: Sometimes, a significant event—such as a promotion or recognition—alters the dynamics between people.
4/ Expectation mismatch: One of the parties feels like the other let them down repeatedly, but both of them do not verbalise the situation.
5/ A player is added or removed: The collaboration style may shift when a new team member joins, or an existing one leaves.
Using this document as a starting point:
I’ve had conflicts in the past that I didn’t handle well, so I wrote this document for myself and am now sharing it with you. The best time to use this document is at the first sign of conflict. How will you know? You have to observe your internal state. Maybe you’re feeling resentful, angry, envious, or experiencing one of the other 50 negative emotions. Don’t suppress these emotions; observe them and catch them early.
What is the root of the conflict?
Describe the conflict in detail, covering various areas like working style, behaviour, and personality quirks. Here are some examples:
- The person's judgement is not good: He proposes ideas that are sometimes outright stupid.
- The person’s behaviour is throwing you off: She gets overly excited and behaves irrationally.
- The person has a few personality traits: She exaggerates about everything she talks about.
- The person has some flaws: She claims credit for other people’s work.
What have I done to catalyse the situation?
Own the situation 100% and take full responsibility for the conflict. List down all the scenarios where your actions were detrimental to the collaboration. Here are some examples:
I should have given her time to integrate into the system before asserting my opinions.
I was acting petty and did not give him the breathing space; I feel like I made him not work effectively with my behaviour.
You might believe you're a saint, but you're not—a conflict happens when both parties act in a non-collaborative way.
What are the other person's strengths and superpowers?
Make a list of qualities the other person brings that benefit the project’s mission and vision. Despite the conflict, find the positives. This can be uncomfortable, but you have to do it. Here are some examples:
- She does not usually repeat her mistakes.
- He is good at project management; he never drops any balls.
- She holds herself to a high standard when it comes to delivery.
- He is pretty verbal with his thoughts and feelings.
- She is a detail-oriented person.
How am I going to resolve this?
Write down the list of things you would do differently with that person and start implementing them. Here are some examples:
- I’m gonna have a chat with her this week and make sure—she will be heard and understood.
- I will be calm and empathetic. For everything in my control, I’m gonna make sure she succeeds and not make her ineffective.
- I have experience working on this project from day 0, maybe that gives me an edge. So, I will ensure she gets all the context upfront before the meeting.
Here comes the tough part: Talk to that person.
Now that you have clarity, talk to the person. Engage in a negotiation to make the collaboration work. It’s often better to have this discussion while taking a walk rather than sitting in a closed room—physical movement facilitates mental movement.
Be direct. Tell them, “I think the collaboration isn’t working well, and I want to make it work. Let’s talk and find a ground for both of us to be genuinely thrilled to collaborate.
If the other person is reasonable and thinking long-term, they will be more than willing to resolve the conflict and find a solution that works for both.
Cheers!